There are different types of strength. There is the skyscraper and the turtle and the sidewalk. And there is the leaf that floats on the whim of the wind.
When I was in my corporate disguise, I was almost always afraid. Each morning, I would walk in and wait for the crisis to come: server xyz is down. Man overboard. Network card blown.
And I would, as they say, handle it. I was cool under fire. Cool and afraid. I was beginning to develop a twitch, like Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan.
Eventually, I would have been wiped out in a blaze of corporate ennui.
The cat finds a box that is just the right size and crawls into it. This is his nature.
Which is a way of saying that the dread that I often felt about going into work -- you know that dread which was most pronounced on a Sunday Night, thinking about what the next day would bring. The dread that began when you were in school, and that had crept into you on Sunday night and continued into the workplace. I notice how that is missing.
I float on the wind now. Not knowing where I will be the next day. This is natural for me, but not for everyone.
Was it strength or weakness that set me adrift, or just a recognition of my own nature?
The apprehension of the next day and the next day and the day beyond that -- that has evaporated.
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