Craig & Billie "All Is Almost Still" by Adam Selig
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilised music in the world." - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
If you knew me, not through the web CLOG, but in what we like to call reality, you'd find that I have a hard time taking anything seriously. I don't make jokes. I don't know more than two or three jokes. But I like saying certain things over and over until they become funny.
Item: For several years, every time I sat in the movies with someone and one of the logos for the movie came on, say the MGM Lion, I would say something to whoever I was with like: "Oh, no. I've seen this movie before."
Now maybe that was funny the first time, and maybe not. But the next time, I would wait patiently, and maybe vary the timing a little, and at some point say, "Guess what. I may have to leave. I've seen this one already."
People who knew me well would wait for the line and be disappointed if I didn't embelish on it.
When the Promo for a movie would end, I would always say: That was short. But okay, let's get goin'.
It began when my ten-year old niece asked me if I knew about a show called Lilo and Stitch? And I told her, of course I did. This didn't satisfy her so she questioned me about it.
Her: Yeah -- you do? Well what's it about? (She should have worked for the FBI... no forget that)
Me: It's about these two characters called Lilo and Stitch.
Her: Ha, ha, ha. Verrrrryyyyy, funny. But who are they?
Me: Who are who?
Her: Lilo and Stitch. Who are they?
Me: I told you, two characters on a t.v. show called Lilo and Stitch.
We'd spar back and forth like this for a while until she learned the nature of a tautological argument. Eventually though she would strike me with something and I'd have to admit that I didn't know her stupid show.
So she goes through a lot of trouble to explain it to me.
So the next time we meet she says:
Her: Do you know the show Lilo and Stitch?
Me: Yes I do. It is a very fine show on t.v. Why -- it's one of my favorite shows. I watch it twice a day.
Her: It's not on twice a day.
Me: I tape it and watch it twice.
Her: Ha, ha, ha. You are sooooo funny.
Me: I know.
Her: Well, which one is Lilo and which one is Stitch?
Me: One is the little girl and one is the alien.
Her: I know that -- but which one is which?
Me: Oh. Which one is which? (pause) You got me there. Which one is which?
Her: I told you last time.
Me: (very sad) But ah ferget. I'm old you know and old people ferget things.
Her: (sympathetically) Okay, I'll tell you again, but don't forget this time.
I won't bore you with further details, except to say that at a certain point, when we meet, she just looks at me and before saying hello, says: Lilo: Girl. Stitch: Alien.
And that became our greeting. Sort of like the Spock split-finger greeting. Spock -- Star Trek? You remember. Speaking of Spock -- were we speaking?
When I did work in the real corporate world, seems so long ago (it's only a few years).
One day, my boss tells me that they're going to promote me to Vice President. That they had to promote me because they wanted to give me a raise, and the only way to give me a raise was to give me a title and make me a member of the executive club, and so they're going to make me a Vice President.
Hey, that's great. And sure enough, I get called down to Human Resources and they asked me down in Human Resources what my exact title should be and without missing a beat I say "I would like to be Vice President of Computers."
That sounded quite grand to me at the time. The head computer honcho.
The Human Resource clerk wondered if there was such a title and what it might mean:
Her: Vice President of Computers. I don't think we've had one of those before. Isn't that... I mean, you can be a Vice President over people, or over a department, but can you be Vice President of Computers?
Me: Who do you work for?
Her: Linda something...
Me: What's her official title?
Her: She's Vice President of Human Resources.
Me: You see. That's what I've been saying. She's in charge of Human Resources. It doesn't mean that she's in charge of all humans everywhere. Just of whatever resources they have. And resources -- what does that mean anyway? Remember it used to be called the Personnel Department. Remember how funny Human Resources sounded when you first heard it? Anway -- I don't think it's such a good idea to turn people into resources. You should have just kept the title as Vice President of People... But what I was trying to say was that everyone here has a computer? Right. Well, that's basically what I'm in charge of. If you need a program for your computer, then I make sure you have it. If something gets busted... we get someone to fix it for you. I'm not in charge of you -- I'm actually in charge of your computer.
Eventually, she got sort of brow beaten by me, since I was now officially a Vice President so I must have some idea of what I was doing -- though it seemed unlikely to her and I achieved the grand-exhalted rank of Vice President of Computers. The other programmers, as programmers do, immediately gave me the acronym of P.O.C. or POCK for short and that stuck through the rest of my days at the ad agency, which didn't turn out to be very long.
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