As the cheering crowd of teamsters shouted "GEP-HEART, GEP-HEART" at the rally, and I was trying to use the sound to drown out the moronic movie that the moronic teenager was playing next door -- I had a minor epiphany of sorts. Candidates for president shouldn't have too many syllables in their names, and the underlying meaning of their CHANT NAMES was important.
According to this theory of Lowest Syllable Count (LSC), all things being equal, the person with the best CHANT NAME will win.
I haven't worked this theory out totally yet, but there are three factors that make a good CHANT NAME:
1) It should be one syllable, and no more than two. If you get to three, you are in the "Hey, hey, LBJ..." regions.
2) The first syllable should not be an "open" vowel sound.
3) Be careful with any underlying "ick" sounds.
Example: In the current race that would be either Dean or Clark.
But apparently, the candidates all know this, because they have, for the most part changed or shortened their names as much as possible.
Al Gore (LSC=2)
George Bush (LSC=2)
Wes Clark (LSC = 2)
Howard Dean (LSC=3) Now that may be a problem.
The Reverend Al Sharpton (I stopped counting)
CAROL MOSELEY BRAUN (LSC=5, see what I mean?)
John Kerry (LSC=3)
But two syllables in the last name is good as well: "Kerr-eee, Kerr-eee."
Lieberman (Not worth counting)
According to this theory, it is also unfortunate if your CHANT NAME begins with a vowel, which makes it harder to chant in a mindless way. So for that you also need to take a few points away from Edwards. "Ed-wards. Ed-wards." Even the "wards" has a soft sound to it.
Gore had the same problem but with his first name. He had chopped it from Alfred (no President will ever be Alfred) but "AL" beginning with the vowel is still a detriment. (Doesn't matter now, Al).
The reason that Dennis is not in the running has nothing to do with his calling for a "Department of Peace" but rather the complete inability of the average Joe to chant, much less remember his name: "KU-SIN-ITCH, KU-SIN-ITCH." And the first name, reminding us of the only Dennis we know: Dennis the Menace. All the LSC stars are against him. If not for that...
According to my LSC rule, the candidate that will win in Iowa will be:
However, the candidate that will win and go on to get the nomination will be Wes Clark.
Wes Clark has many things going for him: 2 syllables.
Many ways to chant his name: "CLARK, CLARK, CLARK!"
Do you hear all the hard sounds in that name?
Or for the bottled water crowd: "WES-LEEE, WES-LEE."
A name for all places. A place for all names.